Tuesday, March 08, 2016

Of cats and journals

I used to write much more frequently about my life on this journal, and not just post a movie review now and again.  This blog started out as a writing blog, I have no real idea when, because I have twice deleted every single post I had here and started over, but I used to write a lot about things happening in my life.  Somewhere along the way, I stopped opening up, and I'm sorry for that.  I'm much more personable than I'm sure I come across, but I have trust issues.

But I used to write posts like this one.  I'm glad I wrote that one, because I can't remember dates to save my life.  I rarely remember when birthdays are, even birthdays of people I care about (and my best intentions at writing things like that down are usually a failure).  And that post tells me Grady entered my life on Aug 4th of 2006, and I wouldn't have known that otherwise.

It's now March 2016, and Grady is dying.  His kidneys are failing, something I'm familiar with in cats, as I lost my beloved Sidney to kidney failure as well.  Sidney was quick and unexpected.  I still have some time left with Grady.  Not that long I suspect, but he's still doing well enough that I can spend long hours holding him on my lap or shoulders or sitting outside in the sun with him, when he's not still prowling around the backyard searching for lizards.  He's on my lap right now as I write this, needing to be close as much as I need him close.

There's only been a few years of my life where I haven't had cats (the college years, cuz dorms don't allow cats, of course.)  I got my first cat when I was eight months old.  Moxie was eight weeks old.  We grew up together, and she slept with me every night (except for when my sister and I got hamsters and the cage was in my room, and Moxie gave me the cold shoulder and flat out ignored me for two weeks, which completely devastated me) until I lost her to cancer when she and I were 13.  She wasn't our only cat.  We've always had at least two others at any given time, but Moxie had claimed me the day she came home with us, and we were inseparable at night, and she will always have that special place of "first."

There have been many cats since, because life without being surrounded by cats isn't worth living.  I've got a carved stone on my wall that says "This house owned and operated solely for the comfort and convenience of the cats."  Couldn't be more true.  If I run out of food, I just go hungry.  If I run out of cat food, I'm on my way to the store immediately.

I have three others right now too, all girls, all rescues:  Rosie and Elanor (mom and daughter), and Madera.  They're all lovely, but there's always an undeniable favorite, and since I lost Kit, that's been Grady.  Grady's special.  I will enjoy every minute of these last weeks or days together with him.

A couple weeks ago, I also lost a good friend unexpectedly.  The memorial was this past weekend.  It was a good memorial, celebrating her life, but she was a musician, and the flute choir she participated in played a few selections.  Which one did they end on?  The theme from Legends of the Fall.  By James Horner. Which undid me instantly, in a way the speeches and photos couldn't.  Still hard to believe she's gone.

I'm watching movies (mostly Oscar Isaac movies right now), but if the choice is writing up a review, or curling up on the couch with my cat... Grady wins.  So, I'm around, but my heart's not in posting much at the moment.


  1. It is so very hard when you know your precious pet is dying. We've lost 2 cats in my family so far, 1 to heart failure when I was 11 and the other to leukemia when I was 15. Our sweet Bubbles is now 15-years-old and healthy, but I'm already mentally preparing for when her time comes. She's such a special cat, such an integral part of our family. I'm so sorry about Grady. I hope when he passes that it will be painless. It's good you have this extra time to spend with him.

    And I know what you mean about somehow finding that you've wandered into the habit of only writing reviews. It's an easy trend to fall into and hard to break yourself of it. But it's good to read this type of post from you. There's a lot of heart and sincerity in it.

    And I'm sorry about your friend Kathy. She sounds like quite the accomplished lady. ❤

    1. Thanks so much, Carissa. Means a lot to me.

  2. I'm so sorry. This is devastating. I don't even know what else to say. We lost our dog a few years ago, which was heartbreaking, and our other dog is getting older, which causes me to panic whenever I think about it. So you're not alone <3 And definitely, right now, the priority is Grady! Don't worry about the blog. Spend time with him; he's more important.

    And I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend as well.

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